What it means when someone stays quiet to avoid conflict, according to psychology

The quality of any relationship—whether friendly, romantic, or familial—is greatly influenced by the way we communicate with one another. But not everyone talks about their feelings in the same way. Some people say what they think without holding back, while others do everything possible to avoid conflict. 

Psychologist Lara Ferreiro knows a lot about people who choose to stay quiet to avoid conflict. She talks about why this happens, what it means, and most importantly, how it can change. She draws on her experience and training to help people speak up, set boundaries, and build healthier relationships. She is also a member of the Social Psychology research team at the Complutense University of Madrid.

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The three communication styles: aggressive, passive-submissive, assertive

Ferreiro says, "There are three main ways to talk to people." The first is aggressive, like lions, who love to fight and say what they think. The second type is the passive-submissive mice, who either stay quiet or say what they think the other person wants to hear. Lastly, there are the dolphins, who are assertive and don't step on or let others step on them. We're focusing on the "little mice" here, which are people who hide their feelings for a number of reasons. 

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Why some people prefer to stay quiet

Behind the silence is fear. “Many people are afraid to express what they feel for fear of rejection or abandonment. They believe that if they stay quiet, they won’t be left. It’s an unconscious strategy to keep relationships, even at the cost of their own well-being,” says the expert.

In other cases, the root is in childhood. “They grew up in environments with shouting, breakups, or violence and learned it was better to stay silent. There may even be intergenerational trauma, with submissive mothers or grandmothers who passed down that pattern.”

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Occasionally there’s also a lack of communication skills. “These individuals often struggle to initiate discussions on certain topics, leading to significant anxiety that compels them to remain silent.” There’s also the concern about “what people will say”: “They think that if they speak their mind, they’ll seem rude or arrogant. These limiting beliefs hold them back.”

On the other hand, there can be the mistaken idea that being a “good person” means staying quiet. “Many people believe that being positive means not complaining, forgiving, and putting up with things. But being a good person does not mean letting others take advantage of you. Some feel that if they say what they think, they’re being selfish, when in reality they’re protecting their emotional health.”

Highly sensitive and anxious: the ones who avoid conflict the most

According to the expert, some people are especially sensitive to conflict, such as highly sensitive people (HSPs). “Their brains react very strongly to stress. I’m one of them myself. Conflict makes me tense, although I try to express what I think in a kind way.” Studies from Harvard University confirm that these individuals tend to avoid confrontations.

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“It also happens in those with social anxiety, untreated anxiety disorders, or avoidant attachment, who distance themselves emotionally to protect themselves.” This is a defense mechanism seen in both men and women, although, according to the expert, men are more likely to have this avoidant attachment.

A lesson learned from childhood

As the expert explains, staying quiet can be a strategy learned very early. “Many come from families with emotional taboos, where problems weren’t discussed. Or they had authoritarian or absent parents. All of this has a strong influence.” Ferreiro also points to the “reinforcement of silence”: when keeping quiet avoids conflict, the brain sees it as a valid strategy.

Children whose emotions were not validated also tend to develop this behavior. “Phrases like ‘be quiet,’ ‘don’t cry,’ ‘that’s for girls,’ or ‘you’re overreacting’ teach the child that expressing feelings is wrong.”

Another very common profile is the “parentified” child, who had to take care of parents with emotional problems. “Instead of receiving care, they gave it. They couldn’t express emotions because they had to be available for the adults.”

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The consequences of staying quiet too much

No matter its origin, systematically keeping quiet has serious effects. “First, emotional buildup. Everything you don’t say stays inside, and at some point, it explodes. It can lead to outbursts of anger, insomnia, anxiety…”

There’s also a loss of identity. “If you’re always silent, you give up who you are. You stop having your own personality.” That emotional repression can lead to physical symptoms such as muscle pain, digestive problems, and other psychosomatic illnesses.

And it affects relationships. “They become less authentic, unbalanced, and even abusive. People who cannot set boundaries often find themselves in relationships where they only give in while the other person imposes their will. They feel guilt and resentment, and their self-esteem deteriorates.”

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It can change: The key is therapy

According to Lara Ferreiro, the good news is that you can change this pattern. “It’s not innate but learned, and it’s one of the most common reasons people seek therapy. It can be worked on with cognitive behavioral therapy by changing limiting beliefs, boosting self-esteem, and improving emotional intelligence.”

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The psychologist strongly believes in assertiveness. “It’s training—learning to say what you think and set boundaries. I’m a huge fan. Self-respect starts with knowing how to say no. You can learn these skills in just a few weeks.

How to help someone who always stays quiet

The individuals surrounding a person who consistently remains quiet and submissive can also provide assistance. How? We can assist by establishing secure environments where the individual is at ease to express themselves. Validate their emotions with phrases like “I understand you,” and ask open-ended questions without pressuring them. Don’t speak for them—support their process. Lead by example, showing how to set healthy boundaries. Celebrate every step forward and be patient. Change takes time.

What you can do yourself

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There are several tools that can help break this pattern:

• Start individual therapy.
• Practice self-awareness and watch your inner dialogue. For example, if someone cuts in line at the supermarket, instead of thinking “they’re messing with me again,” tell yourself, “okay, little by little I’m going to set boundaries,” and say, “Excuse me, the line is back there.”
• Learn to say no in small situations. Replace self-critical phrases with ones like “I am entitled to say what I think.”
• Use the “broken record” technique: repeat the same message without justifying yourself. For example, “I’m sorry, I can’t lend you the car.”
• Use WhatsApp to buy time. If someone asks for something you can’t give, like lending money, reply later with a clear message: “I’m truly sorry, but I can’t lend it to you.” This way you avoid saying yes in the moment due to pressure.
• Use this channel to say what you didn’t in person. For example, you could say: "What you said in front of everyone made me feel bad." I’d like to ask you not to do that again.”

Speaking up, Ferreiro says, is key to self-respect. If you don’t, you end up feeling like people are taking advantage of you.

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When to get professional help 

You experience anxiety, insomnia, or physical pain without a clear reason. Avoid social isolation to prevent conflicts. If you feel guilty for speaking up or for staying silent. If you consistently follow the same pattern in all your relationships, you may feel unnoticed or mistreated. Unresolved traumas or uncontrollable outbursts of anger can occur. All of these are signs that you need help.

Disclaimer: This article was originally written in Spanish. The following is an English translation of the original content.