Chrissy Teigen poured her heart out in a recent statement about her pregnancy loss, sharing for the first time, in-depth details on how she is dealing with “partial placenta abruption.”

John Legend’s wife said she wasn’t sure if she would be ready to write the op-ed; however, she found the right time and space to address what happened. “I’m writing from the downstairs couch, still cozied up in a blanket but buzzing from a morning of friends and fried chicken,” she wrote in a message shared on Medium. “I’m reading off countless notes from my phone — thoughts that have randomly popped up in the weeks since. I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right, to begin with, a thank you.”

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According to the 34-year-old television personality, author, and entrepreneur, her home is filled with flowers from friends and family members showing their love and empathy. “For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did,” she revealed. Teigen said she found comfort in everyone’s messages.

The model said she always had placenta problems. “I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta,” she wrote. “But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment.”

Teigen shared how nerve-wracking was this process, and although she always turned her doctor’s negative words into positive, unfortunately, she was bleeding more than usual. “My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly,” she wrote. “After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all.”

The mom of two — a daughter, Luna, born in April 2016, and a son, Miles, born in May 2018 — said that she couldn’t breathe when the time to let go was approaching. “I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness,” she wrote. “Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”

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According to her, it was imperative to remember her son Jack at all costs; therefore, she asked her husband and mom to capture the moment, even if they didn‘t felt it was the right thing to do. “I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask,” she revealed. “That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.” Teigen highlighted that she doesn’t care how other people might feel with the photos; to her, they “aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”

She also said that when she pushed her baby out, everyone had their time with Jack. “John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer. I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet, and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour,” she wrote.

Teigen ended her message the way she started, thanking everyone‘s support. “I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”